Every Saturday morning is hard. Every 4 hour drive back home brings back unwanted memories. The last Saturday of October is the worst.
On the last Thursday of October, two years ago, I was in the kitchen baking cookies while Cindy and Iris sat at the kitchen table decorating them. Iris had never decorated cookies before. My sister and I grew up decorating cookies for every holiday, at the kitchen table while my mom baked in the kitchen. Iris even tried to jump in on the baking too, but I shooed her back to the table. (I don't play well with others when I'm baking in my kitchen.) : )
That night, after all the cookies were done and the kitchen was cleaned, the 3 of us went upstairs to get ready for bed. Cindy and I watched as Iris packed her suitcase and got herself ready for her trip to Alice for the weekend. She had a 7am class on Fridays, and was driving to Alice as soon as class was over. I gave her a huge hug and told her I loved her. She said, "I love you, too" as she hugged me back with one of her famous bear hugs. That was the first time we had ever shared those words.
Those are the last spoken words that we ever said to each other. We texted each other a few times the next day, but "I love you" will forever be the last thing that we said to each other.
Last night as I was buying a bottle of wine, I suddenly remembered that last Friday night in October 2 years ago. Cindy and I were buying a bottle of wine, and we both got a text from Iris with a blurry picture of someone in a costume. Her message said "I doubt you can see him but that guy in green is dressed as tinkerbell : ))"
Today, on the last Saturday of October, we are driving the same long road that we drove 2 years ago. It never gets easier, and it never will.
Remembering that hug and those last words Iris and I spoke to each other gives me a sense of peace. We definitely had some difficult times, but we moved past them and had a pretty good relationship.
So on this last Saturday of October, I will try my best to feel her hug and see her smile. And as I whisper "I love you" up to the heavens, I know that she'll be smiling back and saying, "I love you, too."
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Iris and Lily
My earliest, and probably my favorite, memory of Iris took place at the softball fields in Alice. I was there to watch the game, not play - I do not do well with team sports, especially softball. That's another story altogether. Anyway...I was there with a friend (or an ex, whatevs) who had been invited to play by Cindy, who I worked with. We got to the field and found the team waiting for the current game to finish so they could take the field.
Iris was about 11 years old, and she was sitting in a foldable camping chair next to the bleachers. She had a fat, black puppy on her lap. Being a dog lover, I was immediately drawn to them. I said hi (I believe we had met before) and scooped up the puppy, asking, "what's its name?" She looked up at me with all the pride of a new momma and said, very confidently, "Lily". It was at that time that the little puppy started squirming and ended up in my arms, belly up. I glanced down and realized that this was no Lily!
My friend/ex was standing right next to me, so I showed her the dog, belly first, and said, "Look at the puppy! HER name is LILY." She first looked at me like I had hit my head, because why else would I be talking so slowly? I did the thing where you point at something with your eyes all big. You've done it before, don't lie. She finally noticed that Lily was a boy!
I handed the dog back to Iris, not wanting to break a little girl's heart. I walked over to say hi to Cindy and mentioned the puppy's name. I kinda laughed because I thought surely she would know the difference, right? Wrong! Cindy ran over to Iris and grabbed the dog to look. She looked at us puzzled and said, "I thought boys had it right between their legs!"
So there I am explaining what the male and female anatomy of dogs looks like to Cindy and Iris. Teaching before I was a teacher! I should add that to my resume!
A few minutes later, as we were watching the game, I saw that Iris was still sitting in her camping chair holding her puppy, but now she had sunk down a little lower and didn't look quite as happy as before. A friend walked up to her and said, "oh what a cute puppy! What's its name?" Iris looked up with the biggest pouty face ever seen and said, "well, her name WAS Lily."
I'll never forget that story, or the look on that little face. Lily was renamed Jet that night, and after a short time in therapy, had a happy life. : )
Iris was about 11 years old, and she was sitting in a foldable camping chair next to the bleachers. She had a fat, black puppy on her lap. Being a dog lover, I was immediately drawn to them. I said hi (I believe we had met before) and scooped up the puppy, asking, "what's its name?" She looked up at me with all the pride of a new momma and said, very confidently, "Lily". It was at that time that the little puppy started squirming and ended up in my arms, belly up. I glanced down and realized that this was no Lily!
My friend/ex was standing right next to me, so I showed her the dog, belly first, and said, "Look at the puppy! HER name is LILY." She first looked at me like I had hit my head, because why else would I be talking so slowly? I did the thing where you point at something with your eyes all big. You've done it before, don't lie. She finally noticed that Lily was a boy!
I handed the dog back to Iris, not wanting to break a little girl's heart. I walked over to say hi to Cindy and mentioned the puppy's name. I kinda laughed because I thought surely she would know the difference, right? Wrong! Cindy ran over to Iris and grabbed the dog to look. She looked at us puzzled and said, "I thought boys had it right between their legs!"
So there I am explaining what the male and female anatomy of dogs looks like to Cindy and Iris. Teaching before I was a teacher! I should add that to my resume!
A few minutes later, as we were watching the game, I saw that Iris was still sitting in her camping chair holding her puppy, but now she had sunk down a little lower and didn't look quite as happy as before. A friend walked up to her and said, "oh what a cute puppy! What's its name?" Iris looked up with the biggest pouty face ever seen and said, "well, her name WAS Lily."
I'll never forget that story, or the look on that little face. Lily was renamed Jet that night, and after a short time in therapy, had a happy life. : )
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
What I miss the most...
I miss Iris every day. Every hour of every day is more accurate. I only got to be a part of her life for 8 short years. We had some great times, and oh, did we have some bad times! Any mother of a teenager can relate. It gets ugly, people. It goes without saying that I miss her face, her voice, her laugh, her hugs....I could go on forever...
As I drove home from work today, a rainy day, I couldn't help but think of what I miss the most.
I miss the way she would roll her eyes when I tried to give my advice.
I miss the way she always wanted to be my personal stylist when we went shopping. (I still don't know how to wear scarves.)
I miss the way she and I could be mad at each other one minute, and bond over trashy reality TV the next.
I miss how she taught me all the words to every Lady Gaga song.
I miss being shopping buddies...clothes, makeup, purses, anything!
I miss us fighting over the comfiest spot on the couch.
I miss ganging up against Cindy. We would always win! ; )
I miss coming home and finding her on the couch, watching TV.
I miss how she would always lose or break her phone.
I miss how she told stories.
I miss how she loved hanging out with her mom.
I could write a book about all the things I miss after only 8 years. These are things that I miss every day and I'll never forget. People think this month is harder to get through. It's not any harder than any other month of the year. It's not more painful than every day. Regardless of the smiles on our faces or the spring in our step, the ache of missing her is always there. I miss her so much every day and the hole in my heart will never fully heal.
I love that I can talk about her with my friends and family without them acting uncomfortable or looking at me in pity. I want people to know her and how she was and who she was. I don't want anyone to ever forget.
There are many people that have come and gone in my life, and I miss them all. But I'll always miss her the most.
As I drove home from work today, a rainy day, I couldn't help but think of what I miss the most.
I miss the way she would roll her eyes when I tried to give my advice.
I miss the way she always wanted to be my personal stylist when we went shopping. (I still don't know how to wear scarves.)
I miss the way she and I could be mad at each other one minute, and bond over trashy reality TV the next.
I miss how she taught me all the words to every Lady Gaga song.
I miss being shopping buddies...clothes, makeup, purses, anything!
I miss us fighting over the comfiest spot on the couch.
I miss ganging up against Cindy. We would always win! ; )
I miss coming home and finding her on the couch, watching TV.
I miss how she would always lose or break her phone.
I miss how she told stories.
I miss how she loved hanging out with her mom.
I could write a book about all the things I miss after only 8 years. These are things that I miss every day and I'll never forget. People think this month is harder to get through. It's not any harder than any other month of the year. It's not more painful than every day. Regardless of the smiles on our faces or the spring in our step, the ache of missing her is always there. I miss her so much every day and the hole in my heart will never fully heal.
I love that I can talk about her with my friends and family without them acting uncomfortable or looking at me in pity. I want people to know her and how she was and who she was. I don't want anyone to ever forget.
There are many people that have come and gone in my life, and I miss them all. But I'll always miss her the most.
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